Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
