We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Randomize