I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
