Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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