Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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