i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
