I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
