i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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