Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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