I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
