the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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