im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
