I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
