I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
