my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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