he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
