I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I need to stop coming to work sober
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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