we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
