Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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