life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
