Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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