right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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