dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
