She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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