omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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