We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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