What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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