Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
