Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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