don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
