if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
