I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
