I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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