my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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