Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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