I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
