I am puke
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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