Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He? As in you personified your dick?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
