so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
