The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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