I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
