If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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