she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i will never coherently bang her
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
