Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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