I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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