Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Your cock deserves a montage
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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