Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
