My underwear smells like fireworks.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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