Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
