Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
