Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
