So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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