there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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