Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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