She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
