My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize