ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
