I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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